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What's a girl to do?

Oct. 7th, 2010 | 02:10 pm
mood: gloomygloomy


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(I'll never have) Another breakfast with you.

Jun. 26th, 2010 | 08:53 pm

"I don't want to fight
just want a piece of your life
oh, if you come out to play
I don't want you to say...anything"

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It's a monument in my mind.

Jun. 14th, 2010 | 01:30 am
mood: hopefulhopeful

"I don't understand myself or my feelings, or who I am or other people or anything at all, but I am trying to be present, at least, and feel my toes and my heartbeat, and remember that things are fluid, everything is alive." Taylor Hand, a long time ago.

Well, I guess the MOST different thing in my life now is that after 2 1/2 years, the Eva & JP song is over. It is ok though. I would like to think I ended things on my terms. But, I didn't. I just ended them.
It is strange, and frustrating and horrifying and makes me feel so empty, so have put so much of myself into something that has amounted to ash now. It's a monument in my mind. But it isn't real. and it was real, but then it wasn't. Like that. If anything, it has been the biggest impetus for self discovery and learning about the nature of us humans relating to one another. I learned. As we all do, eventually.

It's funny. Every song about love, when you're in love, seems like its talking about you, as if it knows you, and when your heart is breaking, every song about that seems like it was ripped from your pain and prettied up and articulated and made beautiful just for you.

"Poor young grandson, there's nothing I can say,
You'll have to learn, just like me,
And that';s the hardest way"

--Oh La La, The Faces.

There are dozens. I have cried, felt the fibers of my being collapse, beat the facts into a pulp  in my reasoning. This is Real. Heartache is real. Some things just are.
The person I loved doesn't exist anymore. He became a monster. I saw what I wanted to see for so long, but I couldn't be blind anymore. I am worth more than that. I am better. I am a good person, which, in this world, I see amounts to less sometimes, but is still worth more.

I forgave him. But I never want to talk to him again. He sickens me. He disrespected me and took my innocence. I know he loved me, but he hated himself more. I was never good at putting myself first, but I learned now. Whenever we used to "break-up", we would still talk and have sex and act like we loved each other. Because we were meant to be together, anything was forgivable. But it is not this way now. Not because he didn't try. I said "no", and I'm so glad for it.

It has never been in me to treat others this way. I can't understand it. I tried and tried, maybe I'd be free if I could? But I can't wrap my mind around it. What makes you entitled to treat people this way? Isn't it exhausting to lie so much? Maybe that is good though. I want to find some comfort in knowing that I do not have that capacity.

I just feel like damaged goods. Ensnared when I was just a baby, twisted and used and thrown away. So ravaged and burned and dizzy in my own loneliness sometimes. Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. It's too cruel. Cruel Libra. I'm scared of being fucked up forever. I have nightmares. I never have nightmares! Why is his memory caught hold of me so firmly? I look at pictures of him now, and I can't recognize him that I loved there. His face changed. Its become so ugly to me now. I was stubborn and blind and made everything beautiful. Oh God, how humiliating. I can't stop all those memories, from breaking my heart a little bit again and again.

It is less each time. It really is. This grants me courage. To keep moving, furiously and desperately. If I can put it far enough behind me, it will stop haunting me.

But, I am happy. I mean, kind of wary of man-boys, but happy in and of myself. I love all of my friends. All of the ones who I have forged such strong bonds with through this and in spite of myself and God, I love them to pieces. I also love/hate how Kelly and Rebecca have shown where their real loyalties lie. It's ok. Just like everything, it has to happen at some point. I won't be fussy about it.

As for A.D., who has comforted me, tickled and irked me, and given me an idol to pour my loving energy into:
I am not ready. I couldn't tell you when, but not for a while yet. It's...not even JP, it's my need to form an identity again.
You slept with me too soon. I don't know if that was your intention or not, but I can't believe that you like me genuinely now. I am so burned, I'm going to be batshit crazy and distrustful for a long time. It's unfair to cast it upon you, but know that I can't be objective about relating to romance right?
You have cheated. before. Admirable to admit, maybe, but it has doomed you.

This entry isn't cohesive or finished, but it never will be. Partly because its catching up, and because I don't understand any of it. I am coming to. Like from a dark forest into an unfamiliar clearing. So many things are beyond my power, so I can't keep being so stubborn and continuing  to keep the marble house erect. Things have a way of running their course sooner or later, so might as well just do it.


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P.S. cheer up

Jan. 21st, 2009 | 02:28 am

okay it's not so so so so so bad. I got another car, live in my own apartment that I can decorate like a mini-Martha, and I have a pretty killer collection of shoes going on right now. Just sayin'

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(no subject)

Jul. 8th, 2008 | 02:45 am

That was from two months ago--early, early May. I suppose things are much, much different now. I don't know, I'm not sure. Still!

On June 19th, at 9:19pm, I crashed my car. It is totaled. It is gone. It is frustrating.
Wellbutrin, scarily enough, or helpfully enough, has made everything easier to deal with. It is very weird to realize that I am not so gripped by the present tense, and that the future seems lighter, less burdensome and most incredibly, within grasp. It is like viewing and responding through a tinted window. Nothing is distorted, just experienced in a different, reassured/self-assured shade. And, it is fine by me. For now. For as long as I can hope for.
But, there are some things that are not pleasant: I am anxiety-crazy; I also have to take sleeping medication now. Because, if I don't, I can't stay asleep for more than 3 hours at a time--with nightmares. But Ambien knocks me the fuck out.

I am trying. I mean, really trying to be the change. They, things, this and that, come into your life and slip through your fingers like water. It is not useful to own them. My father is right: "You can't take it with you." The only thing that I can ever really have is what I have already. I have that, and must never forget or ignore it. You really are the only person who can serve yourself best.

JP and I are 10 months and going, which I couldn't be more delighted about. I am happy.

I think I am more alert, affable, engaged, assertive. Less glum, despairing, disconnected, wooden.

"knock on wood." 

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i am not trying to seduce you.

Feb. 25th, 2008 | 09:03 pm
mood: blahwhatever


This is my car, except my model is black, and has Swedish pride stickers adorning the back--but I think it's kind of lovely:

I participated in a felting workshop today;I plan to participate the rest of this week too, and I'm really excited about that. Making...a hat, of course. Hopefully, I can have it finished by the end of this week. Felting genuinely interests and excites me. I hope it isn't too little too late?
I still need to buy my Langerado ticket, but my parents are so ornery and hostile to me lately, so I really hope that that won't disable me from going. I would be so so upset. Langerado is a tradition!
Oh yeah, did I mention how hostile and controlling my parents are being lately? "Restriction" this, "Restriction" that. I am honestly getting away with less now, than when I was fifteen. I can't wait to cut that cunt out of my life with as much permanence as possible. And then my dad, who has always been supportive and as understanding as he could be capable of, has started disliking me and letting me feel the sting of his disappointment and disregard, which hurts because my father's favor is something that I have always irrationally craved.
Yeah okay fine: college scares the hell out of me. So I just pretended it wasn't happening and waited and procrastinated and tried to excuse myself. I just wish I could ellicit more sympathy from my parents about that, instead of stern disapproval and disappointment. I never received help or encouragement or even attention, so I just kind of blew it off and pretended it wasn't something I cared about. I just don't understand the mixed signals I keep receiving from them about it. It's frustrating, especially since I'm stuck going to schools I have no interest in now. A further blow to my scholastic aspirations. I just try to reassure myself that I'm "easing into it", and will transfer after the first year. I have to, I couldn't live with myself if I thought otherwise. On to the next despair...
I'm so saddened by the deterioration of my friendships, but I feel helpless about how to improve or salvage them. I realize that some of it is due to my geographical isolation, but I can't help but feel pushed away. I also realize that a particularly destructive factor affecting them is my significant other, and his strong presence in my life, but that isn't something I am willing to reduce or change. I guess more than ever I am getting the impression that I probably won't maintain contact with my best friends, and it distresses me--not only because I despise the slow, awkward, dwindling of familiarity and interest, but because I always felt safe with them, and enjoyed them so much. Perhaps this goes in hand with my paralyzing fear of the future.

I think, I just need to have a good cry to relieve some of my irritability/emotionability. ew, haha.
See, you are NOT seduced!

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(no subject)

Nov. 23rd, 2007 | 08:49 pm
location: Houston, TX
mood: accomplishedaccomplished

I cut off all my hair and bought loads of sexy underwear and drove in traffic for the first time today. Big deal alright.

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Oct. 14th, 2007 | 02:45 pm
mood: lovedsmitten kitten
sound: marble house--the knife

It's only right that you should play it the way that you feel it.

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I see the tip of my index finger / My mind is slowly creating a link

Sep. 24th, 2007 | 06:51 pm
sound: Jens Lekman's new album is so lovely.

The fact that I'm constantly seeking approval from people who don't make me feel good about myself makes me feel nauseous. And, feeling like I'm spinning out of control and can't get a foothold anywhere really terrifies me. I mean, this is right now. I can't spend anymore time not knowing and avoiding assertion. In two months I have to apply to college. In 12 hours, I have to try to save my English grade again.

And. I keep noticing the desperation that no one even troubles themselves to disguise anymore. And. It just disgusts me. I don't know why now, of all times. Maybe because I've been slapped in the face with it's rudeness.

...So horribly alluring--only because the warmth of the past sweetly distorts what actually might be arranging itself. It's not convenient enough though. I can't swallow it, no matter how viscerally to it I am drawn. Do you understand?

I feel like I always make the worst decisions and feel gratified by them, and resentful of being robbed of some trivial, fleeting happiness when I make the right choice. I suppose I must be less impulsive. Train my eye for the happiness of what I could attain if I applied myself.
Sometimes I think I honestly just want to be an aborigine though. They believed that your dreams are the true reality, and that the waking, conscious, life is merely for the mechanics of living--eating and shitting, procreating and such. Subconscious is more real to them than their physical surroundings. It sounds like Escapism encapsulated into a cultural philosophy, but I honestly think that I like the content of some of my dreams more than the content of my life, so why shouldn't that be real to me? Why don't I put on some Bright Eyes and wallow in my self-dissapointment? hahahahaha.

No. I'm going to do my homework. I'm going to make fucking fabulously conceptually beautiful hats and be a fucking fabulous milliner. I'm going to try to get straight A's this year. It's never happened to me in high school, and even though it's a silly aspiration, it's certainly worth pursuing for practical, not-just-prideful, reasons.

"What's broken can always be fixed,
and what's fixed will always be broken"
You put your arms around me

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Janemag.com Says

Sep. 7th, 2007 | 11:01 pm
mood: infuriatedinfuriated
sound: Sweet Jane--Lou Reed

"Dear Jane Reader:

With regret, Jane and janemag.com is no longer being published.

In its place, we invite you to explore Glamour magazine and Glamour.com.

We think you’ll love Glamour.com. Like Jane, it’s packed with everything smart, sexy women want to know—about your body, your beauty, your relationships … and more!


Jane Magazine"

Oh my God.

Say goodbye to another publication that appealed to and sympathized with counter-culturally-minded females. I seriously can't believe this! Losing ELLEgirl, the Intellectual Teenage Riotgrrl Vixen's retaliation against trite, cliched, and mall-rat Seventeen was horrible enough. Jane, which I felt was aimed at an articulate, mature, Intellectual Riotgrrl Vixen, was brewed with a hearty helping of borderline-pretentious-but-still-affirming indie jokes and hilarious cultural criticisms, not to mention style and beauty editorials that knew what they were talking about (if perhaps, your aesthetic icon is NOT Jessica Simpson or Beyonce, but rather Chloe Sevigny or Kirsten Dunst?)--themed with an ironic, saucy and satisfyingly cynical "just don't take yourself too seriously" attitude, that the staff even applied to their truly worthy cover celebrities/artists (for the most part!). I just felt like its content was accessibly self deprecating, refreshingly practical and always on pulse. They even discontinued the website. Rerouted to GLAMOUR Magazine.

Maybe I'm just really shocked, but I seriously feel insulted. A tad betrayed, perhaps? Um yeah. Now there's only like...Nylon, which can be so-fucking-hipster-pretentious-I-want-to-gag-myself at times and TeenVOGUE, which has beautiful fashion spreads but honestly really sub-par editorial content left (that are widely available). It's these kind of stabs at not-willing-to-conform-and-be-vapid women's projects and initiatives that make me want to freak out and start making and distributing a zine or invest my femi-nazi anger into some other creative outlet. I mean, I understand that Jane received the axe because of sluggish deplorable sales, but I still feel it could have been more aggressively promoted or something to bolster readership before being unceremoniously terminated.

Ugh! Tell me I'm not peerless in being pissed!

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